If Only
by Notepadhalffull
Summary: "No, you don't understand. I can't leave him. Not now, not ever. I already made that mistake once and look where that got him. So no, I wont leave him. I love him, so much that it hurts. I-I'm scared, scared that if I so much as look away I'm going to lose him, for real this time. And I can't let that happen, I wont." *TW: physical and sexual abuse*
1. Prologue

**Full Summary: **

"No, you don't understand. I can't leave him. Not now, not ever. I already made that mistake once and look where that got him. So no, I wont leave him. I love him, so much that it hurts. I-I'm scared, scared that if I so much as look away I'm going to lose him, for real this time. And I can't let that happen, I wont."

Phil's life is turned upside-down when his ex-boyfriend Dan Howell turns up at his doorstep beaten-up and crying in the middle of the night.

What could have happened in the two months since Phil broke up with Dan that had left the younger boy so broken, a mere shell of the person he used to be? As Phil realizes that his love for the brown-eyed boy was still as strong as ever, he tries desperately to fix him. But can Dan ever be fixed at all? Or will he be broken forever? And where does this all leave Phil?

* * *

**Phil **

"I am so sorry Phil, I was just really stressed out and I just forgot." Dan said, guiltilly looking down at his bed, books laid out in front of him. Any other day, I would have waived the whole thing, but the smug look Johnathan was giving me pushed me over the edge.

"Whatever Dan, save the excuses."

"But-" I cut him off.

"No, listen to me. I am sick and tired of you ditching me all the time like that. You're always hanging out with that brat and ignoring me and I can't take it anymore. I tried Dan, I tried to keep this together but obviously you don't want that. So I give up, I give up on you and I give up on us! You happy now? You don't have to worry about me ruining your quality time with John anymore." I finished, my tone angry and bitter.

Dan sat there, shell-shocked and tears streaming down his face. He looked so incredibly pained and heartbroken and all I wanted to do was to take him in my arms and kiss his problems away. But I didn't.

I glared at John as he simply grinned at me maniacally. That should have been my cue, I should have listenend to my gut telling me to protect Dan from this monster. But I didn't. Instead I turned and walked away without so much as a goodbye.

I had a strange feeling in my gut as I walked to my house. As if it was trying to warn me about something. I should have turned around then, should have ran back, back to Dan. Most of all, I should have never left Dan with John. But I did.

It was the biggest mistake of my life and I will never stop regretting it. If only I had stayed, if only...


	2. Chapter 1

***TW: From here on out this story will be dealing with physical and sexual abuse. Nothing too detailed but it may be triggering. So, if you're sensitive to these topics I advice not to read on.***

**The rest of you can enjoy the story.**

**Phil**

I was sat on the lounge sofa watching a horror movie. My parents were away this weekend for a funeral. Someone from dad's old school had died and he wanted to pay his respects. I was home alone and it was raining outside, which to me was the perfect setting to watch horror movies. They never really scared me that much anyway. Now if Dan had been here he'd probably have his face buried in my chest by now; scared out of his mind.

I smiled as I thought about how adorable he- no! _Phil you have got to stop thinking about Dan like that. You aren't together anymore. It's been two months, get over him already! _I told myself.

But how could I? When his warm brown eyes constantly invaded my dreams. When his ever so contagious laugh played in my head, over and over. How could I forget that touch of his I constantly craved; so soft and innocent yet so  
electrifying. After all, I had once loved Dan more than life itself. It would take me longer than two months to forget and move on. Maybe it'll get easier when I move to Manchester in six weeks? Maybe the distance would help? I sure hoped so.

Pushing thoughts of Dan to the back of my mind, I returned to watching the movie. The killer was in the house and the two girls had no idea. They were too busy giggling and talking about boys, oblivious to the fact that they were about to die. The killer was just behind them now, knife raised and stepping forward ready to stab the innocent girls to their deaths. One of the girls turned around and-

**Buzz!**

I jumped slightly, almost dropping the half-empty bowl of popcorn I had been holding. I paused the movie, glancing at the time as I got up and made my way to the door: 11:20 pm. _Who could it be at this hour?_

I looked through the peephole and then rushed to open the door as I saw whom it was. There on my porch stood none other than Dan Howell.

He only had on a pair of black skinny jeans and a long sleeved black t-shirt and was soaked through and through. His thin frame trembled violently, hands folded in front of his chest in an attempt to get warm and I could just make out a purple bruise on his jaw. I stood there not believing my eyes. _What happened to him?_

"P-phil c-can you h-he-help me, p-please." He stuttered, voice scared and barely a whisper.

My heart sank as I wordlessly pulled him inside and gently guided him to the lounge.

"Here." I said as I sat him down on the sofa and wrapped a blanket around him. "Strip. I'm gonna go grab you some dry clothes, okay?" I didn't wait for his reply but simply ran to my room, grabbed a set of comfy clothes and ran back to the lounge in record time. Dan hadn't moved an inch.

"Get changed, Dan." I said, handing him the clothes.

"I-it's r-really n-not ne-necessary."

" Dan you're drenched and trembling. Get changed. I'll just be in the kitchen." I said firmly, making my way to the kitchen.

When I was safely out of sight I buried my head in my hands, trying not to let the tears fall. I had to be strong, for Dan. He had obviously been through something horrible and I needed to be there for him right now. Even though it was hard seeing him as it is, it was a thousand times harder seeing him in this state. The mere thought of him in pain was seemingly splintering my heart, bit by bit.

I straightened myself and started rummaging through the cupboards. I decided to make Dan some hot chocolate to help warm him up a bit. Five minutes later, I re-entered the lounge, two cups of hot chocolate in my hands. Dan was sat on the couch, changed and curled in on himself. He was still shivering pretty bad though.

"Dan?" I said softly, alerting him to my presence. I must have surprised him as he flinched violently and put both his arms up, as if to protect himself. _But from what?_

"Hey, hey Dan calm down. It's just me, Phil. Okay?" I said as I placed the cups on the coffee table and kneeled down in front of him.

He nodded timidly. A look of pure fear in his glassy brown eyes, brimming with unshed tears. I felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart, it hurt so bad. I sat down beside him, gently taking him in my arms.

It was when I ran my fingers through his curly hair, in turn grazing a sticky substance, did I realize the severity of the situation. I pulled back slightly to examine the wound. It started at his hairline and was hence previously hidden by his fringe. Blood flowed from it slowly but steadily. I grabbed his wet t-shirt and pressed it to the wound.

"Dan...?" I trailed off, not knowing what to say.

"I didn't know what to do." He started, voice so low I could barely make out the words. "My mum's at the hospital, she has the night shift tonight and I don't really have any friends." **_Stab._** "I just had t-to get o-out. I-I'm sorry I shouldn't have come. I'll l-leave."

"Don't be ridiculous Dan. You're not going anywhere, at least not alone." _Deep breaths._ "What happened Dan? Who did this to you?"

"J-jo-john." **_Stab._**

" What? Dan look at me." I held his face up, staring at his brown orbs from behind the curtain of tears. "Tell me everything, let me help you."

A nod. A sniffle. **_Stab._**

"It started the day we b-broke up. After y-you left, I k-kinda broke down and he st-started consoling me. Then all of a sudden h-he k-kissed me. But I pushed him away, started yelling at him, told him to leave. He didn't. I kept yelling about how it was all his fault you left. Told him I h-hated him. He'd just been smilling at me the whole time but then he just grabbed me and threw me into the wall. Next thing I know, I was lying on the floor with him on top of me; punching and kicking a-and"

A sob escaped him and he started trembling again. I wrapped my arms around him and he buried his face in my chest, sobbing uncontrollably. My vision blurred with tears but I refused to let them fall.

_You have to stay strong. _I told myself. _Dan needs you._

"Has he been doing it ever since?" I ask my voice shaking a bit. He nods in reply. _**Yet another stab.**_

"But th-that's not a-all h-he d-did." _**Stab. **__What else was there?_

"Then tell me the rest." He shook his head.

"I c-can't. Y-you-you'll hate m-me." I pulled away again and forced him to look me straight in the eyes.

"I can _never _hate you Dan, you get that? I love you, I'm in love with you and there's nothing you or anyone can say or do to change that." My voice was shaking still and lower lip quivered but I spoke on. "Now tell me what he did, please let me help you."

He sobbed into my chest before sniffling and finally whispering-

"I-I-I d-didn't want t-to, Phil. I swear, I t-told him n-no. B-but he-he m-made m-me."

That was when he broke down completely, sobbing and holding onto me like I was his only lifeline. Tears flowed down my own face, I couldn't hold them in anymore.

And as the meaning of Dan's words settled into the pit of my stomach, I swear I felt my heart shatter into a million peices.

**That's it for now. I'm gonna go write the next chapter, so be on the lookout for it.**

**Till next time!**


	3. Chapter 2

**Hey guys,**

**I'm back with chapter two and can I just say you guys are amazing and I love you all for reading this. So thanks! **

**Phil **

Dan had been sobbing on my chest for about five minutes when I started to feel him go limp in my arms. Now, he could just be falling asleep and I would have let him, was it not for the gash on his head. It was still bleeding slowly and had all but soaked Dan's shirt completely.

"Dan? Dan I know you're tired and all but I need you to stay awake. Okay?" I told him, gently getting him off my lap and onto the sofa. I then ran around the room, quickly grabbing my phone, keys and wallet.

"It hurts, Phil. It hurts so bad." He choked out, holding his head in his hands. I knew this was bad and that he needed medical attention as soon as possible.

"Hey Dan, please open your eyes." I said kneeling down in front of him. The bleeding seemed to finally be stopping. "I'm gonna get you to the hospital now. They're gonna patch you up and your mum's gonna be there too. It's gonna be fine. All I need is for you to stay awake till then. Can you please do that for me?"

"I'll try Phil but I'm so tired." He said weekly, eyes only opening a crack.

"I know buddy, I know." I carefully scooped him up into my arms and walked out to my car. Dan snuggled into my chest and a small smile appeared on my lips. He looked so young right then. Once I had him settled in the passanger seat I started up the car and drove to the hospital.

I kept talking to him throughout the ride to make sure he stayed awake. I only got one word responses out of him but at least I knew he was still conscious. Once we got there everything was a bit of a blur. I remember carrying the smaller boy to the A&E and nurses surrounding us as they took him from me and off to god-knows-where.

I followed them until they took him into a room and one of the nurses stopped me just outside, the door closing behind her.

"I'm sorry but you can't go in. Standard protocol." She said, her grey eyes stern and blonde hair tucked into a neat bun behind her head.

"I can't leave him. Please!" The panic and desperation in my voice may have been alien to me, yet it was exactly how I felt right then. Desperate and ready to go into full-on panic mode. The nurse obviously heard it too as her expression softened.

"You don't have to, honey. He's gonna be right through that door. You can see him as soon as we get him cleaned and patched-up. I'm Annabel by the way. Now, I'm gonna need you to tell me your friend's name, age and exactly what happened to him. Can you do that?"

I nodded, taking a deep breath before I started speaking.

"His name's Dan, Dan Howell and he will be seventeen next week. His mum works here at this hospital, Janet Howell. Maybe you know her? She's supposed to be here right now. You should call her, she doesn't know."

"That's Janet's son? I thought he looked familiar. Don't worry I'll let her know as soon as we're done here. Now can you tell me what happened?"

"He-he was beaten up and-" I choked on the words slightly but managed to continue on. "-and he was raped. Constantly for the past two months he was being beaten up and used like that and I hadn't the slightest idea."

"Oh my god! Son, I'm going to call the cops. Or have you already done that?"

"No, I don't think so. I only found out half an hour ago and I had to get him here."

"May I ask how?"

"He came to my house, soaking wet and bleeding. He is going to be okay, right?"

"I don't know sweetie. Now, I'm gonna go call the cops and let Janet know. Will you be okay on your own for a while?"

"Yeah" Annabel gave me a sympathetic look and then walked away.

I sat there, still as a statue for what felt like a lifetime before the door opened and a doctor stepped out.

"He is sleeping now but you can go see him. Are his parents coming?"

"Yeah his mum should be here in a few minutes." The doctor nodded and then let me past him. The sight that met me made my heart shatter all over again.

Dan lay in a hospital bed, the clothes I'd lent him earlier were replaced by a papery white hospital gown. A thin blanket covered him but left his arms bare. And boy were they a sight. Not only was Dan pale and unhealthily skinny, he also had bruises scattered all over his arms. Some old and fading while others a fresh, dark purple.

I slumped onto the chair beside the bed and put my head in my hands. Silent tears flowed steadily down my face my body shook slightly. But it wasn't from pain or fear, but from rage. A white, hot rage was building up inside me and I was oh so tempted to find Johnathan and beat him to death with my bare hands.

But that would mean leaving Dan's side and that wasn't an option. Plus, commiting homicide would land me in jail and that wont be very good either. So I stayed there, crying silently as Dan slept peacefully beside me and that was how Dan's mum found me when she came running in five minutes later.

Janet Howell was a short, blue eyed, 35 year old general surgeon with light hair and an ever-present smile on her face. Today though, that smile was non-existent, her face tear-streaked and her eyes blotchy and red.

"Oh Phil!" She said tackling me with a tight hug. "My baby, my poor baby. How could this happen to my Daniel!?"

"I'm sorry, so sorry. This is all my fault. I am so so so sorry!" I sobbed.

"No dear. This is in no way anyone's fault but that monster who did this. Got that? And I don't want you saying otherwise. It doesn't matter what happened between the two of you before. All that does matter, is getting Dan through this."

"Yeah I know. It's just, I was so stupid! I knew that Johnathan was trouble and I left Dan with him, all alone." Another sob escaped me. "He had to go through that-that torture for two months. And then when he came to mine tonight he just looked so scared and it broke my heart. I just want to go back and undo it somehow. Make it so that he never met that bastard and all of this never happened to begin with."

"But you can't Phil. You have to stop thinking about the what ifs and focus on what to do now. I know you two aren't together anymore and I just need to know where you stand on that. Because I can't let him get hurt anymore than he already has been. So if you plan to leave again Phil, it's best you leave now and don't-"

"No!" I half-yelled, cutting Janet off.

"I'm just trying to protect him Phil. You just up and left before and..." She trailed off but I knew exactly what she wanted to say.

Dan's dad had left her when she'd needed him the most. But the worst part of it all was that he'd been there at the start but left soon after. Which just made the hurt a thousand times worse. I understood that she didn't want Dan to have to go through that, especially now when he was so fragile. So I needed to show her I wasn't planning on leaving again, ever.

"No, I wont leave him Janet." I said as firmly as possible.

"You're saying that now but-" I cut her off for the second time.

"No, you don't understand. I can't leave him. Not now, not ever. I already made that mistake once and look where that got him. So no, I wont leave him. I love him, so much that it hurts. I-I'm scared, scared that if I so much as look away I'm going to lose him, for real this time. And I can't let that happen, I wont."

Janet smiled sadly at me, finally convinced and then sat down on the sofa near the door. There was a breif silence that hung in the air until it was broken a moment later by a timid voice.

"Phil?" Dan croaked slightly as his eyes fluttered open. I stood over him, smiling through the tears.

"Dan!"

"You're still here?" He asked confused.

"Of course." Dan was silent for a minute.

"Philly?" He said slowly. "Can you please hold me for a bit?"

I smiled and nodded. He scooted over to make space for me on the bed and I sat down beside him. I wrapped my arms around him gently, careful not to hurt him.

"I'm sorry." He sniffed.

"It wasn't your fault Dan. I was an idiot." I told him, knowing exactly what he meant.

"I love you, Philly." He whispered into my chest, snuggling even closer to me.

"I love you too, Danny"

**And that's that chapter done. **

**I swear I had a feels attack while I was writing that last part, I'm really proud of this too seeing as I can't write fluff to save my life. **

**Let me know if you liked it. I love reading your reactions and it gets me to update faster so that's a bonus :D**

**Till next time!**


	4. Chapter 3

**Dan **

"Dan honey, wake up, the police are here. They need to talk to you for a few minutes. Do you think you're up for it?" My mum asked sweetly as she shook me fully awake. I nodded and she left the room.

I hadn't talked to my mum yet, mostly because I was scared of what she must think of me now. After all, I'm just so utterly pathetic and weak. I let John do _all that_ and I was too much of a wimp to so much as ask for help. Never mind stopping him in the first place. She must be so embarrased to have me as a son. And after tonight...

Tears started streaming down my face as I remembered the incident from a few hours ago. I knew I had to tell the police what I'd done and then they would take me away. But I guess I deserved it.

"Dan? Hey, it's okay. You don't have to talk to them if you can't okay?" Phil said from beside me, wiping away the tears. "Please just tell me if it's too much."

His voice was soft and his tone protectitive and carefull. His arms were wrapped around me ever so gently, as if I was some delicate china doll that could break with the slightest push. But then again, given the circumstances, the comparison was not far off. I snuggled into Phil, burying my head in his chest as the door opened and an officer walked in.

"Don't leave." I whispered brokenly. I was scared, so scared and if it weren't for Phil I would've broken down into a million peices by now.

"Okay Mr Howell, we already know what's happened and we can get a proper statement from you when you're better. But, we do require you tell us of your last encounter with Mr Schultz. Are you up for it?"

The officer seemed nice and he spoke kindly but that didn't stop the fear from spreading throughout my being.

"Okay." I croaked out anyway. "He came over to mine right after my mum left, around five this evening. He almost always comes to mine as someone's always ther at his and he didn't wanna get caught. He wanted to do _it _but I was still tired from last night and my bruises hurt too, so I told him I couldn't so he just beat me up and made me do it anyway.

He made sure to be especially rough too, it hurt so much. I just couldn't take it and I passed out from the pain." I had to stop then and take a few shaky breaths before I could continue again. Phil was silently weaving his hand through my hair, probably in an attempt to comfort me.

"When I woke up, it was already dark out and I could tell that it was pretty late. He hadn't left though, as I found out the moment I got dressed and walked into the hallway. He was just stood there glaring at me. I knew he was mad that I passed out, said I needed to be punished for it. He tried to grab at me and drag me off but-" I choked on my words slightly.

"But I snapped. I had to get out of there, I couldn't take it anymore. We struggled and I ended up pushing him so he fell down the stairs but he was still gripping onto me so I fell with him. When we landed, he wouldn't move and I was too scared to check. B-but I think he might be dead, I may have killed him."

There was a thick silence in the room and of course I felt the need to break it.

"Officer" I asked " If I did kill him, will I got to jail?"

"Dan no!" Phil said firmly "You did nothing wrong, okay?" His tone was stern and his blue eyes shone woth sympathy. Sympathy I didn't deserve.

"Son" The officer spoke up. "Even if the kid is dead, you are not going to jail. Your friend is right, you have done nothing wrong. Your actions were in self-defense and hence justified. Now you get some rest and leave Mr Schultz to us." And with that he was gone, my mum following close behind.

I felt a tear fall on my face but surprisingly enough, it wasn't mine. I looked back up at Phil to see that he was crying. My own eyes stung as more tears filled them. Phil was crying and it was all my fault. Just like everything that was going on, all my fault.

"Phil, why are you crying?" I asked wiping away his tears. "Please don't cry. Especially not over me, I don't deserve it."

"No Dan, don't say that."

"But it's true, I don't. This is all _my_ fault. _I _befriended him and when you told me he was trouble _I _didn't listen.  
_I _pushed you away, _I _let him get between us. _I_ let you go. I let him do _all that-"_

"No!" Phil yelled, cutting me off. "You didn't _let_ him do anything. He beat you up, he forced homself on you, he didn't give you a choice. None of it was your fault, you get it? None of it!"

"But-" I tried to protest, only to be cut off again.

"No. You were lonely, didn't have any other friends. You just wanted a friend and he took advantage of that. But you just wanted afriend, you didn't want any of the things he did to you. Nor did you deserve it." He stopped for a second before continuing.

"You are the sweetest, most innocent guy I have ever met. You're a good person who helps others just for the sake of being helpfull. You don't judge and you always know how to cheer someone up. You would never, ever hurt anyone on purpose. Hellyou even feel guilty about what happened with John tonight. And that guy hurt you in practically every way there is."

I still wasn't convinced and he must have seen it too.

"You are perfect Daniel Howell and don't you ever fucking say that you deserved any of the shit you have ever gotten." Phil spoke softly, his icy blue eyes boring into my brown ones.

I looked away guiltily, I'd made Phil mad. I made him _swear_. I made Philip Micheal Lester freaking swear. This is why I should never go anywhere near other people, I just tend to bring out the worst in them, make them do things they never generally would. That's just how it's always been, first with my father then with John and now Phil.

"S-sorry Phil. I didn't mean to upset you" I said shakily. "P-please d-don't hit me."

"No!" He gasped out and I glanced up at him momentarilly to see that he was crying again. "Dan I will never, ever hurt you in anyway. Nor will I ever let anyone else hurt you ever again. I promise."

He pressed his lips to my forehead in a soft, lingering kiss and I felt my skin tingle as my whole bidy filled with warmth. And as I closed my eyes in sleep, I felt safe for the first time in ages.

But of course that didn't keep away the nightmares.

_" You're worthless Dan, no one cares about you. It's best you stay with me."_

_"Phil doesn't love you. He left you, remember?"_

_"There's only space for one person in your life Dan and that is me."_

_"You're MINE, Daniel. MINE!"_

_His voice echoed in the overcome darkness surrounding me. I didn't they were comong from but they seemed to be everywhere, suffocating me, crushing me._

_Then he was in front of me, taking my shoulders in a tight grip. I could feel his chapped lips on mine and raste his ashy lips. I wanted to gag but I couldn't._

_I could feel his hands on my waist, pinning me to him, roaming, touching, hurting. I whimpered but it only encouraged him._

_I screamed, for him to stop, for someone to help me but no one did. I cried out yet again as the pain overwhelmed me, coursing through my body._

"Dan!" My eyes snapped open as I was pulled from the horrid nightmare and yet again I found myself crying onto Phil's shpulder.

**Well there you go that's it for now. Hope you guys liked it. Let me know what you think. Now I'm gonna go make me some pancakes and coffee, loads of coffee.**

**Till next time!**


	5. Chapter 4

**Phil **

I sat there on the hospital bed, fingers running through Dan's curly mop of hair as he slept soundly on my chest. My heart lurched as I remembered his terrified words..

_"P-please don't hit me."_

I was furious, now more than ever. Furious at Johnathan for doing this to Dan; sweet, innocent Dan. Furious at myself for leaving him and letting this happen. Furious at the world in general for being so cruel to the beautiful boy that I held in my arms. The beautiful boy who was so utterly broken, his spirit crushed completely. I knew I had to try and stay calm though. Dan was scared and me being a piping hot mess wont help make him feel any safer.

The door clicked open as Dan's mum re-entered the room, looking utterly exhausted.

"Hey" I said giving her a weak smile. I carefully removed myself from beneath Dan and went to sit on the tiny couch beside Janet.

"He wont even look at me." She says "The one time he did, he got the most ashamed and guilty look on his face, as if he'd done something horrible."

"But he's done nothing wrong."

"That's not how he feels. I talked to the Psychiatrist assigned to him and she said that it was not unusual to see rape victims blaming themselves for what happened. With Dan's case, he's got a lot of reason to believe this. I just don't know what to do Phil! How am I ever going to get him through this?"

"You're not alone, you've got me to help. We'll get the old Dan back. It will be hard and take time, but we will get him there."

"I sure hope so."

It was at that moment that Janet's phone buzzed in her pocket and she silently left the room to take a call. I went back to sit beside Dan, taking one of his hands in both of mine. Even in his sleep he looked troubled. His face was scrunched up in pain and sweat lined his forehead.

_"I give up on you! And I give up on us!" _The bitter words rang through my head sharply.

Why had I said that? Especially when I'd know it wasn't what I wanted. No, what I'd wanted was to wrap Dan in a hug and never let him go. But I had.

Ugh, I was such an idiot! Why did I have to be so stupid as to have fallen for Johnathan's tricks? If I hadn't I would have never thought Dan wanted to be with him. We would never have broken up and none of this would have happened. But no, I had to be an idiot and break up with the boy I loved.

If only I hadn't been so stupid, I could have prevented this. But I didn't.

The door opened and I turned around to see Janet walk in, tears running freely down her cheeks. She spoke up before I could even ask her what had happened.

"That was the cops. They were just at the house." She stopped to take a deep breath. "Dan definitely didn't kill him, Phil. They can't find him.

My breath hitched. What am I supposed to do now?

Before I could dwell on this though, my thoughts were interrupted by a whimper coming from behind me.

I turned to see Dan writhing and whimpering in his sleep. Small, whispered pleas of help escaped his lips softly. He was having a nightmare. 

His heart rose and the monitor beside me beeped madly. Dan was practically yelling now, sobs wracking his frail body. A team of nurses and doctors all barged in but I gestured for them to stop before they could do anything. I had handled one of Dan's nightmares before, I could surely handle it again.

I gently grabbed his flailing wrists and leaned down to whisper soothing words into his ear. I told him he was safe, that everything was going to be okay. I told him I loved him and that I would protect him and never let anything bad happen to him again. After a while, he started to finally calm down, so I shook him gently awake while simultaneously calling his name.

"Dan, wake up. It's just a dream. Wake up. Dan!"

He flung himself upwards, grabbing me by the shoulders as I pulled him into a hug. My hands placed protectively around him, shielding him from the view of all the doctors and nurses present.

"H-he came back, Phil." The younger boy whispered between sobs. "He came back and he was hurting me and I tried to get away but I couldn't and I was so s-scared."

"Shush Dan. It's okay, it was all just a dream. You're safe now and I will never let anything happen to you ever again. I promise." Dan sniffles and nods against my shoulder slightly, finally starting to calm down a bit.

In my peripheral, I could see Janet talking to a female doctor with long, auburn hair. She was nodding, probably in agreement to whatever the doctor was saying but she had a frown on her face. Soon after, she left with the doctor to discuss 'hospital stuff' as she had put it. Dan and I were left to our own devices. Before she had left though, Janet had given me a look I had understood all too well. Dan was not to be told of the 'Johnathan Situation' and I was all for it. The poor kid was terrified as it was, he was too fragile. If we told him now, he could break completely.

Dan shifted slightly, making space on the tiny bed. He didn't have to say anything for me to know what he wanted. So I sat down beside him, letting him snuggle up to me while I held my arms protectively around him. Just like I had earlier that night.

"Phil?" I hummed in response, urging him to go on.

"Why are you still here?" My heart clenched in pain at his words.

"Do you want me to leave?" I ask trying to get the words out without my voice shaking.

"No! I-it's just. I'm just saying, you don't have to stay. You can leave if you want. I mean you don't _have _to stay, I'll be fine."

"You don't sound fine." I remarked quietly and then continued before he could say something. "And why would you think I don't want to be here with you?"

"Because you hate me."

"No I don't! Why would you say that? Dan, haven't you been listening to a single thing I've said all night?" I said, exasperated. "I love you Dan. I DO NOT hate you."

"But you should Phil. No, listen to me. I hurt you Phil, I drove you away. It was my fault we broke up and you should hate me for it. Why don't you hate me?" His voice was so cold and emotionless at that last part, it made me want to cry.

"You don't get it Dan. We didn't _break up _I _left _you and it was the biggest mistake of my life, okay? You were never at fault, I was. I was an idiot and I let Johnathan get to me. I stupidly feel into his trap and I let myself believe it was him you wanted to be with and not me."

"But it wasn't."

"And I know that now. I was an idiot Dan. God! I was so stupid. You know, the moment I said those words I wanted to take them back, take you back. Every fiber in my being was telling me to do so but I didn't. I wish I had, but I didn't." I took a deep breath before continuing.

"I love you Dan. I want to be with you. And I wont leave you, not unless it's what you want. I don't want to lose you again, Dan. Please don't make me leave."

There was a long silence after I'd finished my little speech. Dan fiddled with his IV for a while before finally looking back up at me. There were tears glistening in his eyes but his brown obs shined with happiness.

"In that case," He spoke up. "Could you maybe stay forever?" My face broke into the largest grin ever as I replied-

"There's nothing I would love more."


	6. Chapter 5

**Phil **

It had been two days since my life has been turned upside-down. Two days since Dan had shown up at my doorstep; drenched and bleeding. Two days since I had left Dan's side for longer than a few minutes. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have come home this morning either. But my parents were coming back today and they still had no idea what all had happened while they'd been gone. I had no idea how I was gonna explain this to them, without breaking down that is. They were going to be so mad at me for not telling them earlier, Dan was like a second son to them after all.

I looked over at the shelf beside the T.V. that held a bunch of photo-frames, trophies and other knick-knacks. I smiled as my eyes landed on a photo of Dan and my mum from when he was five. That was four years before I had first met him. You see, Haley-my mum-was actually my step mom. But she was the only mum I had ever known as my birth mother had died when I was about two.

When I had first found out about Haley, I'd been pretty skeptic. I was only ten after all and I just didn't want her taking my dad away from me. My impression on step-moms wasn't exactly great, not since Cinderella and Snow White. But Haley was nothing like those evil women from the stories, she was sweet and caring and funny. Yet, I still wasn't prepared to accept her. Though, all that changed the day I met Dan.

Haley had known Janet since seventh grade and after college she had moved in with Dan and Janet so as to help her take care of Dan. The day I met Dan, it had been the first weekend of summer break. My dad had to go out of town on a business trip and had arranged for me to stay with the three of the for the weekend.

_"Now be good, Phillip." Dad said seriously. "I don't want you causing any trouble for Haley or her friend. Okay?"_

_"Oh Nathan, stop worrying." Haley said, laughing. "I'm sure it will be fine. Besides, Phil will have Dan to keep him company."_

_"Well I better get going. Bye Phil, bye Hales. See you both Sunday, I love you!" Dad said as he got in the car and finally drove away._

_"Bye dad. Love you too." Dan? Who the hell was Dan? I thought to myself. I wasn't told there would be another kid here. Haley must have sensed my confusion as she quickly explained-_

_"Daniel is my friends son. He's about an year younger than you but I'm sure you'll both get along just fine. Oh and you will be bunking with him, I hope you don't mind."_

_I mumbled a quick response about how it wasn't a problem as I followed Haley upstairs. She led me to a door at the end of the hallway, on the door it said 'DANIEL' in big, colourful letters._

_"Dan should be around here somewhere. Why don't you set your stuff down while I send him up? I'll be in the kitchen preparing dinner, if you need me."_

_As she left the room, I decided to take a look around while I waited. The room was pretty lively. A bed was pushed in one corner, against a huge glass window. A T.V. stood opposite it, an xbox connected to it and a controller lay strewn on a bean bag. There was a small desk in one corner and beside it was this huge shelf full of books, DVDs and other knick-knacks. A toy chest lay open at the foot of the bed and Pokemon plushies littered the room. I'm pretty sure there wasn't a single piece of furniture in the whole room that wasn't covered with Winnie the Pooh stickers. Lastly, the ceiling itself was littered with those glow in the dark stars and planets. All in all, it was pretty amazing._

_I walked over to the shelf and browsed through the books. The collection was a mix of classics like Peter Pan and Tom Sawyer as well as more recent stuff like Harry Potter and Goosebumps. I wonder what kind of ten year old reads this much..._

_"Hello." Came a timid voice from behind me. I turned to see a small boy curly brown hair and matching brown eyes standing at the doorway._

_"Hi. You must be Daniel, I'm Phil."_

_"Um it's just Dan." He said nervously._

_"Oh okay then. So Dan, how old are you? I'm eleven."_

_"Almost ten." _

_"Cool."I said awkwardly, not knowing what to do. Dan was still stood in the doorway; shoulders slumped, his head hanging low. He looked pretty nervous, scared even._

_"Are you scared of me?" I asked, confused._

_"Kind of." He replied shyly. "You're a big kid and big kids don't like me."_

_"Oh. Well I like you. I mean, you like Pokemon so you can't be half bad." Dan looked at me and his face lit up with a huge grin, his brown eyes sparkled slightly. It was pretty cute, to be honest._

_"You like Pokemon too!" Dan said excitedly, pulling me towards the Pikachu plushie that sat on his desk. "Come on, I'll show you all my Pokemons. I've got Pikachu and Charmandar and Gengar. Though I don't have Bulbasaur yet but mum says she'll get me one for my birthday in a few weeks!"_

_I laughed as he rambled on abut all the Pokemons he had collected so far. Maybe this weekend wont be so bad after all._

_...  
_

_It was late at night as Dan and I lay in his bed, both still wide awake. _

_"Phil?" Dan whispered and I hummed in response. "Don't you like Haley?"_

_"Um" Where had that come from? "No. Not really."_

_"Why not? She's really nice you know. She makes me pancakes and she gets me books too and she looks after me when mum's away at work. Because my mum's really busy all the time as she is a doctor and she has to go save people's lives. But yeah, Haley's awesome, she's the best really."_

_"I don't know why, Dan. I just don't." I sighed._

_"You should at least try to!" He insisted. "She gets really upset when you're rude to her because she wants you to like her. And then when she gets sad, I get sad and then when we're both sad my mum's sad too. Then there's no one to cheer us up as we're all sad! I don't like being sad..."_

_"Well, when you put it like that it does sound like a major problem. I guess I'm gonna have to try then. After all, we wouldn't want you to get sad. You wouldn't look half as adorable as you usually do." I said poking Dan slightly. _

_"I'm not adorable! I'm manly!" He exclaimed with a suppressed giggle._

_"Unhuh, sure. Go to sleep Dan. Goodnight."_

_"Goodnight Philly." He mumbled back, already half asleep._

_I closed my eyes as I too drifted off to sleep; with the small boy curled up beside me, his head buried in my chest. _

After that night, Dan's words were embedded in my brain and I decided to actually give Haley a fair chance. I'm glad I did, too. Turned out she was just as amazing as Dan claimed her to be. From that day on, Dan and I became best friends and my relationship with Haley also developed for the better. I was snapped out of my thoughts by the front door opening. Here goes...

"We're home!" I stayed sat on the couch as my parents entered the lounge.

"Phil dear, you look awful." Mum said spotting me. "Haven't you been sleeping?"

"No, not really." I said nervously. How was I going to tell them?

"Phil, what happened?" It was my dad who spoke up this time. "Are you okay?"

"It's Dan. " I started. "You should sit down" They did as I told, waiting anxiously for me to speak up, so I did.

"You know how Dan and I broke up two months ago because I thought he wanted to be with Johnathan? Well I screwed up. I should have never done that. I was such an idiot! I left Dan alone with that monster and-" I couldn't go on any further as my sobs interrupted me. I hadn't even lasted a minute.

In an instant, mum was beside me, hugging me tight and rubbing soothing circles on my back.

"Phil honey, what happened to Dan?" My dad asked, though he sounded like he didn't really wanna know.

And before I knew it I was telling them everything that had happened. About how Dan had shown up in the middle of the night all battered and crying, how scared and defeated he had looked. I told them how terrified he had been when he thought he'd caused Johnathan's death. About how the had kept the news of Johnathan's escape from Dan. Finally, he told them how Dan had been diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety and Depression and how the doctors were currently making him stay at the hospital for 'observation' until they deemed him stable enough.

It wasn't that Dan was going crazy, I explained, just that his flashbacks and panic attacks were a bit too severe and most of the times resulted in him passing out. More tears ran down my face as I thought of how much pain Dan was in whenever he had one of his attacks. It was then that I realized I had zoned out and snapped quickly back into reality.

Beside me, mum sobbed violently while dad sat opposite us, his head buried in his hands. None of us said anything for quite a while, opting instead to wallow in our misery in silence. After what felt like an eternity, dad finally looked up and asked the very question I'd been dreading having to answer all this time.

"Why didn't you call us, Phil? You should have told us sooner. We would have come back and-"

"Never mind that Nathan." Mum cut him off and I almost sighed in relief. "We have to go to the hospital. I need to be there for Dan and Janet." Dad simply nodded, not saying anything and before I knew it, we were on our way.

**And done. That was the longest chapter of the story so far too. Also, I put in some nice kid!Phan moments as an apology for all the tears I've made you shed and all that are yet to come. I'm sorry!**

**If you still don't hate me then give me a follow or something, maybe read some of my other works. **

**Till next time!**


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